A Poem

Sometimes we hold onto our pain because it’s the only thing that can assure us that we’re still alive.
You try to sympathize, say “I know how you feel” and think that you can rip our pain away.
Just like that.
But we hold on tight and wrap it around us like solid iron armor and we weld it to our flesh because it’s ours.
It’s all we know.
You can’t take it from us.
Not unless you can give us something else to hold onto. Because without it, we’ll be naked, without it we won’t even recognize ourselves anymore because the pain was more than our mask.
It was our face.
If you remove a knife from a deep wound, it will bleed. You have to cover it up with a bandage, something to soak up some of the blood and to hold the rest in.
Pain leaves wounds like that.
So suture the skin closed because without the thread it could not pull the gap back together and it would never heal. The body can repair itself but it needs time.
So does a heart.

Always Busy

Everyone has always said that senior year of high school is crazy, but I didn't believe it until it smacked me in the face!

College applications, college visits, college interviews, homeschool group, and seven classes. That's my life right now.
I love it, I really do. I love looking forward to college, and I love visiting colleges that could be my home next year. I'm done with the applications now, and I liked my essay pretty well after I was done with it. I even enjoy my interviews to an extent, because, honestly, I like to talk about myself. The homeschool group is fantastic; I get to teach art classes once a month, help choose what to watch on movie nights, assist in organizing field trips, and hang out with kids who may be loud and crazy but are also adorable and a ton of fun! Hey, I even like most of my classes (precalculus and physics not so much, though), but all of it at once is just chaotic and overwhelming!
I applied to five colleges - Bellarmine, Centre, Berea, Transylvania, and Earlham - and I've been trying to get a good feel for each one of them. This means going on overnight visits and attending open houses. It's great fun and I have learned a lot, but for the past five or six weeks, I have been missing one or two days of school every week. Combine that with anxiety, depression, and just being worn out, and you get a lot of unfinished homework piling up. I'm catching up, little by little, and during the holiday season, my schedule will actually be a little less busy, so I'll be back on track before too long.

This is my explanation for why I haven't posted in a while, even though I said I would do so more often I'll try to keep you all up to date on what's going on with me, though.
For now, I'll leave you with a sneak peek of the photos from my senior portrait session, which my lovely Dada took for me and which I am editing. Enjoy!

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Rebirth

I feel like I have limited my blog to photography for too long. Photography is my most important means of expression. However, I also love to Zentangle, to write poetry, and to write in general. Prayer, family, preparation for college. Those things are my life.
Sometimes it is difficult to see the beautiful things in my life, because I get caught up in the unhappy things. I find it easier to remind myself of the beauties in life when I tell others about them, though. So this will be the purpose of my blog from now on. Perhaps I can keep up a little better than I have before.

Meet Lottie

Lottie is the name I gave to my gorgeous new (refurbished, actually) Nikon D5100. She and I took a trip to Bernheim yesterday, along with my dear mother and her dog, Aoife. It was such a beautiful morning - cool and overcast. Perfect for photographs. All of the plants were covered in dew. So gorgeous.

It's the Little Things

It seems to me like Spring came out of nowhere. Just a couple weeks ago, it snowed, and now the weather is gorgeous and warm! The bushes and trees are suddenly sporting blossoms, and the flowers are bright spots of color all over the ground, like God was painting and dropped splatters.
The birds are singing throughout most of the day. The bumblebees are floating around and bumping into things. My sisters are planting flowers. All of the dogs in the neighborhood are out and barking for the better part of the day.
It's the time of year for picnics in the grass. It's time to get out and watch the flowers bloom. It's time to see the animals delighting in being alive. It's time to share in their delight.

Dear Lord,
You show Your artistic abilities most in the Spring, with the way the plants You created display their colors and the way the birds sing their songs that praise You and the world You made. Help to open the ears and eyes of all in the world so that all can appreciate the beauty of the world You created.
Amen.

Another Hard Day

Today has been one of those days when it's hard to find anything to be grateful for. Unlike many of my friends, I don't have mentors and close friends whom I can call anytime to be comforted. I have my parents, who have been far too preoccupied with other things this week. Then I have one beautiful, wonderful friend who happens to be attending college and working part-time, and usually isn't available right away.
I am lucky, though, to have this friend. I know that, even though everyone else I know has many friends, it is rare for anyone in America to have such a close friendship as I do with my friend. I know that I should be counting my blessings, and not the things that make me unhappy. Luckily, my friend helps me with that.

Dear God,
You give and You take away, and we cannot know Your reasons. We can only count ourselves among the blessed because we are loved by You no matter what. We can only enjoy what You have given us and accept that what we have is enough. Thank You, Lord, for the blessing that is my closest friend. I ask that You will keep her safe and guide her well.
Amen.

I Lost My Happy Thoughts

I'm having one of those down days when I just can't seem to perk up. On those days I just can't seem to get much of anything done. I try to work on writing an essay and I wind up staring at the page and maybe writing two words every five minutes. I'll put on water for tea and then I'll sit down, waiting for it to boil, and I'll completely forget about it because I'm staring into space and feeling miserable, tuning out everything else.
The best thing for me to do when I'm in one of these moods is to just try to be productive. I can take a walk, and that often helps. Today I continued to work on setting up my photography business, and to research some things I'll need to know in this business. Then I spent some time looking at art and design colleges in the states surrounding Kentucky (because Kentucky does not have any), and I found some that I had not looked into before. Now I am considering two colleges in Nashville, which would be great because the art scene there is incredible!
If I make myself get busy, the mood slowly but surely dissipates, and I am able to feel happier and more accomplished than I would have if I had moped around listening to depressing music all day like I wanted to. So today I am grateful for the advice that my parents give me. This was a lesson that I learned on my own, but my parents had told me many times that it would work. It's funny how the lessons that I most stubbornly refuse to learn turn out to be the ones most worth learning.

Dear Lord,
You often manifest yourself most clearly to me in my father and my mother. Thank You for the lessons that I learn through them, for they originated in You. I ask that You will give me the wisdom to listen well to my parents' advice, and that You will continue to bless my parents with the ability to give the advice that I need to hear.
Amen.